Although there may be warning signs of narcissism during dating, the telltale traits become more pronounced after marriage, as that’s when greater interdependence and demands come into play. So, could your beloved partner actually be a narcissist?
The signs
Some of the qualities that initially attracted you to your partner, such as confidence, assertiveness, and a big personality, might be the same traits that fuel narcissism. However, not all signs are obvious, and some will make you question whether the problem lies with you rather than them.
You feel isolated
Distancing from a few friends after a major life change, such as marriage or children, is common. But if your life is now filled with broken relationships, it’s time to pause and reassess.
After marriage, narcissists isolate their spouses from friends through a slow, methodical process. Speaking poorly about others is a common behavior.
A narcissist is skilled at making you question why you even have those friendships in the first place—especially with people who are “in the know” about the narcissistic spouse’s behavior.
You are a victim of gaslighting
In this case, the narcissist uses words or actions to make you doubt or confuse your own reality. I’ve never seen a narcissistic marriage where gaslighting didn’t occur.
Statements like, “Why are you always so angry? You’re being paranoid,” or “Why can’t you let go of the past? No one will ever love you like I do,” are typical phrases from narcissists.
Praises look like this
Before you got married, your partner likely showered you with compliments. After all, narcissists are skilled seducers. However, this changes drastically after marriage. Now, compliments only happen in the presence of others.
This allows them to appear as a wonderful spouse in public, contradicting any complaints you might make.
They try to provoke jealousy
Beyond complimenting others, a narcissist enthusiastically talks about an ex or openly flirts with someone in your presence. This isn’t accidental or an innocent misstep—it’s a strategic move to make you feel jealous.
In addition to feeding your insecurities, narcissists do this to assert control and/or boost their self-esteem.
Jealousy toward a newborn child
Jealousy is not an uncommon reaction when a baby joins a narcissist’s family. They resent the time spent caring for the child and insist you focus more on the marriage than the baby.
They view the child as an extension of themselves, co-opting the child while leaving you on the sidelines in terms of attention and family involvement.
Your parenting skills are criticized
Narcissists enjoy blaming any “bad” behavior in their children on their spouse’s lack of parenting skills. To make matters worse, they’re usually not heavily involved in child-rearing, often using their career as an excuse to avoid responsibilities.
If they’re the primary breadwinner, or earn more in the marriage, they use that as a justification to avoid parenting duties.
They turn to your family
Narcissists are self-centered and lack empathy. Knowing you might turn to your family for support, they’ll often act preemptively and talk to your family first.
They may express concern, saying something like, “I’m worried; they’ve seemed a bit off lately.” By framing your behavior as problematic first, they shift any potential blame away from themselves.
Compliments have dwindled
When you were dating, you were likely overwhelmed by signs of adoration—constant love notes, flowers, and surprise gifts. After marriage, however, this changes.
Since you’ve been “won over” through marriage, they see no need for courtship. Still, these grand gestures may reappear when they want something from you.
For instance, if they surprise you with a trip, they might expect gratitude in a specific way, such as dressing a certain way on the trip or being sexually available whenever they want.
How to cope
Narcissists don’t see their behavior as a problem. Instead, they believe they’re perfectly fine and that the issues lie with others. However, this doesn’t mean there’s no hope. Here are some tips for communicating with a narcissistic partner:
- Use reverse psychology
Narcissists rarely admit to being wrong, making it nearly impossible to argue with them. It’s better to find a way to convince your partner that the “right answer” or “right thing to do” is their idea. This allows you to praise them for solving the problem. - Ignore the Insults
Narcissists want you to react and engage in a fight. By refusing to play along, you reduce the likelihood of an argument. - Ask Yourself Questions
Reflect on the possible reasons why you chose—or were attracted to—a narcissistic spouse. Once you understand the motivation, you’ll have more clarity about what you need. - Foster Healthy Relationships
Reach out to friends, family, a psychologist, or anyone who can offer respect and emotional support.
The dilemma
Tolerating narcissistic behavior means enabling it. By allowing the behavior, you inadvertently give it space to influence and control your life. In the process, you may lose or deny what’s important, including your hopes, dreams, and need for unconditional love.
You may tolerate your spouse’s bad behavior temporarily, hoping or believing in a better future for your marriage. You might imagine that the relationship will improve on its own or return to how it was in the early days when things were good.
While a narcissist may uplift their partner early in the relationship, over time, their focus shifts to their own desires and needs, often at the expense of the other person and the relationship.
As much as you may wish for change, it’s crucial to recognize that simply staying and tolerating the behavior won’t improve it. The narcissist must want to work toward change.
Narcissism and Infidelity
Narcissism is a predictor of infidelity. In other words, people with narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to cheat on their partners than the general population. They do so for various reasons, including a lack of empathy.
When a narcissistic spouse cheats, they don’t understand how their actions affect others. They are more focused on the present, primarily concerned with their moment-to-moment desires. The betrayed partner will likely wonder what they did wrong. However, the infidelity is not their fault.
Not feeling loved
You won’t feel loved when married to a narcissist, and that’s not your fault. Narcissists have traits that make it harder for them to truly love someone else.
They are incapable of supporting you or showing genuine emotions. Any love or affection they give is purely for their own benefit.
Your spouse likely made you feel loved at the beginning of the relationship and may have even made you feel like the most important person in the world.
But over time, they began to ignore and devalue you.
Narcissists are skilled at making those around them feel both loved and unloved, creating confusion and emotional exhaustion. They want you to feel loved so that you’ll love them back, fulfilling their need for admiration.
At the same time, they want you to feel like you don’t deserve love and that no one else but them could ever love you.
This conflict leaves you emotionally dependent, making it less likely that you’ll leave.
If you express concerns about their behavior or consider leaving, they will likely find a way to draw you back in with promises of change, gifts, and extra attention.
Love should not depend on absolute obedience or the suppression of your own needs—whether financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, or social.
Love should be unconditional. Everyone, including you, deserves that kind of love.
Financial abuse
Narcissists are skilled at financially exploiting their spouses, and money is often the most significant barrier to leaving an abusive relationship. If you’re married to a narcissist, you might be working and paying for everything while they refuse to work. Or they might keep any money they earn for themselves.
The narcissist also uses money as a way to punish their partner. When they want to be offensive or cruel, they withhold money—whether it’s for genuine needs like household supplies, food, clothes, etc., or simply something you desire.
Always set aside a fund for basic expenses or in case you need to leave an unsafe situation quickly. Being married to a narcissist is challenging. If your spouse is willing to seek help, it’s possible to sustain your marriage successfully.
However, if they are unwilling to do so, with the help of a trusted professional, you may choose peace of mind by leaving the marriage.