Narcissists thrive on domination strategies to maintain control over their victims. When they encounter resistance, their first reaction is often disbelief. They are used to getting their way through emotional manipulation and may initially attempt to guilt-trip or love-bomb their target into submission.
For example, if a romantic partner starts ignoring their manipulative tactics, a narcissist might suddenly become overly affectionate, showering them with praise and attention to lure them back in.
However, when they realize these manipulative tactics no longer work, they may shift to anger or victimhood. They often blame the person for “changing” or “betraying” them. For instance, a narcissistic parent might guilt-trip their adult child by saying, “After everything I’ve done for you, you treat me like this?”
This is a classic form of gaslighting, where they distort reality to make the victim question their own actions and emotions (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
If all else fails, the narcissist may resort to devaluation. They will attack your character, undermine your confidence, and portray you as the villain. This can be seen in cases where an ex-partner suddenly spreads false rumors about someone they once claimed to love. They do this to maintain a sense of power and avoid the humiliation of losing control over you.
Manipulative tactics narcissists use when feeling powerless
When a narcissist realizes they cannot control you, they will often employ mind games to destabilize your emotions. One common tactic is silent treatment, where they withdraw affection and communication to make you feel guilty or desperate for their attention.
This is particularly common in romantic relationships, where a narcissistic partner may suddenly ignore their significant other to provoke an emotional reaction.
Another manipulation tactic is smear campaigns. Narcissists hate losing, so when they feel powerless, they attack your reputation. They may spread lies to mutual friends, coworkers, or even on social media, portraying you as the abusive or unstable one.
For example, after a breakup, a narcissist might tell others that their ex was “crazy” or “emotionally unstable,” even if the truth was the opposite (Miller & Campbell, 2008).
Additionally, narcissists may attempt to hoover—a term that describes their attempts to suck you back into the toxic relationship. They might suddenly reach out with fake apologies, claim they’ve changed, or even create crises to gain sympathy.
This tactic is especially common in romantic relationships where the narcissist tries to exploit any lingering emotional attachment.
Why narcissists devalue and discard people they can’t control?
Narcissists view relationships as transactions. When someone no longer serves their need for emotional control, they become disposable. Devaluation is their way of punishing those who resist their authority. They attack your self-esteem, making you feel unworthy or inadequate.
This can be seen in workplaces where a narcissistic boss suddenly starts criticizing an employee they once praised, simply because that employee refused to comply with their unreasonable demands.
Once they have sufficiently torn down their victim, narcissists often engage in narcissistic discard—cutting the person off entirely and moving on to their next target. This is particularly painful for victims, as narcissists often discard people with a sense of cruelty and indifference.
They might start a new relationship immediately or erase all traces of their previous connection, leaving their ex feeling confused and broken.
However, this discard is often not permanent. If the narcissist sees an opportunity to regain control, they may attempt to re-enter the victim’s life. This cycle of manipulation and abandonment can repeat indefinitely unless the victim recognizes it and sets firm boundaries (Kernberg, 2004).
How to protect yourself from a narcissist’s retaliation?
Setting boundaries is the most effective way to protect yourself from a narcissist’s revenge tactics. When a narcissist realizes they cannot control you, they may escalate their behavior, becoming aggressive or emotionally volatile. It’s crucial to stay firm and resist any attempts at manipulation.
One of the best ways to safeguard yourself is to practice gray rocking—a technique where you respond to the narcissist in a dull, unemotional way. By refusing to react, you deprive them of the attention they crave.
This method is especially useful in situations where you cannot completely cut ties, such as with a narcissistic coworker or family member.
Additionally, seeking professional support can be invaluable. Psychological abuse can have long-lasting effects, and therapy can help you heal from the trauma. Engaging in self-care and emotional healing will help rebuild your confidence and prevent the narcissist from re-entering your life.
Frequently asked questions
- How do narcissists react when they realize they can’t control you?
When a narcissist loses control over someone, their reactions vary from disbelief to anger and retaliation. At first, they may try to manipulate you with love-bombing or guilt-tripping. If that fails, they often shift to devaluation, smear campaigns, or complete narcissistic discard to protect their ego. - Do narcissists try to regain control after losing it?
Yes, narcissists frequently try to regain control through hoovering—a tactic where they attempt to pull you back into their toxic relationship. They may use fake apologies, emotional crises, or even threats to make you engage with them again. If one approach fails, they usually try another until they exhaust their options. - Why do narcissists engage in smear campaigns?
Smear campaigns are a way for narcissists to rewrite the narrative after losing control. They spread lies, attack your reputation, and paint themselves as victims to regain social support. This tactic helps them maintain emotional control over mutual acquaintances while discrediting you. - What is the best way to protect yourself from a narcissist’s retaliation?
Setting strong boundaries and going no-contact (if possible) is the best defense. If no-contact isn’t an option, practicing gray rocking—responding in an unemotional, uninterested way—can prevent further manipulation. Seeking professional support can also help you recover from their psychological abuse. - Will a narcissist ever leave you alone?
Narcissists typically don’t let go easily, especially if they see a chance to regain control. However, they tend to move on once they realize their manipulative tactics no longer work. The key to making them leave you alone is consistent emotional detachment and refusing to engage in their mind games.
Summary table
| Section | Key Points | Examples | Solutions |
|---|---|---|---|
| How narcissists react when they lose control? | Narcissists shift from disbelief to anger and retaliation when they lose control over someone. | A narcissist suddenly stops speaking to you after you refuse to comply with their demands. | Stay firm, recognize their tactics, and avoid engaging emotionally. |
| Manipulative tactics narcissists use | They use silent treatment, smear campaigns, and hoovering to regain control. | A narcissist spreads false rumors about you to mutual friends after a breakup. | Ignore smear campaigns, set boundaries, and avoid giving them emotional fuel. |
| Why narcissists devalue and discard? | When they can’t control you, they devalue you and move on to new targets. | A narcissist starts belittling a coworker who no longer follows their lead. | Maintain self-esteem, recognize the pattern, and avoid seeking validation from them. |
| How to protect yourself from retaliation | Setting boundaries, avoiding emotional responses, and seeking professional support can help. | A narcissist keeps trying to provoke reactions through text messages. | Use gray rocking, go no-contact if possible, and seek therapy if needed. |
| Will a narcissist ever leave you alone? | They often return if they believe they can still manipulate you. | An ex-narcissist suddenly reaches out after months of silence. | Remain emotionally detached, block contact, and avoid their manipulation traps. |
Final words
Dealing with a narcissist is an emotionally exhausting experience, especially when they realize they can no longer control you. They may resort to manipulation, devaluation, and revenge tactics, but recognizing their behaviors is the first step toward freedom.
By setting clear boundaries, refusing to engage in their mind games, and seeking support, you can protect yourself from their influence. Remember, narcissists do not change, and they will always seek new ways to regain control. Your best defense is maintaining emotional detachment and prioritizing your well-being.
If you find yourself struggling with the aftermath of a toxic relationship, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Breaking free from narcissistic abuse is challenging, but with the right support, you can reclaim your peace and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
References
- American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
- Kernberg, O. (2004). Aggressivity, narcissism, and self-destructiveness in the psychotherapeutic relationship: New developments in the psychopathology and psychotherapy of severe personality disorders. Yale University Press.
- Miller, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2008). Comparing clinical and social-personality conceptualizations of narcissism. Journal of Personality, 76(3), 449-476.