Love is one of the most profound and complex emotions that human beings experience. However, when a person has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), their emotional landscape can be marked by instability, fear of abandonment, and intense relational dynamics.
This often leads to confusion and pain for both the individual with BPD and their partner. Many people wonder: Can a borderline truly love, or is it just intense infatuation?
The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) defines BPD as a disorder characterized by emotional dysregulation, impulsive behaviors, unstable relationships, and an intense fear of abandonment (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
These symptoms can profoundly affect the way people with BPD experience and express love. Despite these challenges, it is crucial to differentiate between love and dysfunctional attachment patterns.
Understanding love in borderline personality disorder
Love, from a psychological standpoint, is a multifaceted construct that involves emotional attachment, commitment, and care. The attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, provides significant insights into how people with BPD experience love.
Individuals with BPD often display anxious-preoccupied attachment styles, meaning they crave closeness yet fear abandonment (Fonagy & Bateman, 2008).
This fear leads to intense and overwhelming emotions in relationships. At times, a person with BPD may idealize their partner, expressing deep affection and admiration.
However, if they sense any form of rejection—real or imagined—they may switch to devaluation, where the same partner becomes a source of frustration or disappointment. This emotional pendulum swing can make relationships feel unstable.
A borderline truly loves in their own way, but their love is deeply intertwined with their fears, insecurities, and emotional needs. It is not that they do not love—rather, their experience of love is shaped by hyper-sensitivity to rejection and difficulty regulating emotions.
How does this impact their ability to maintain stable relationships? That depends on their self-awareness, coping strategies, and willingness to seek help.
The impact of fear of abandonment on love
One of the hallmark features of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). People with BPD often interpret neutral or minor signs of distance as rejection, triggering panic, emotional outbursts, or impulsive behaviors.
This fear can lead them to cling desperately to their partner or, conversely, push them away to avoid being hurt first.
For instance, Emma, a 32-year-old woman diagnosed with BPD, described how she would send dozens of texts to her boyfriend when he was late from work. The thought of him abandoning her felt unbearable, even when there was no rational reason to believe he would leave.
This constant emotional turbulence made it difficult for her partner to reassure her.
The paradox is that a borderline is capable of love, but their fear-driven behaviors can sabotage the very relationships they cherish.
So, can a stable, long-term relationship with someone who has BPD exist? The answer is yes, but it requires mutual understanding, boundaries, and emotional regulation strategies.
Emotional dysregulation and love in BPD
Emotional dysregulation is another core trait of BPD. Unlike neurotypical individuals, people with BPD experience emotions at an extreme intensity. This means that when they love, they love deeply, passionately, and wholeheartedly.
However, small triggers can quickly escalate into intense conflicts, leading to verbal outbursts, self-harm, or impulsive decisions.
Consider Jake, who has BPD and is in a relationship with Lisa. When Lisa mentioned she needed some space after a long workday, Jake’s mind immediately assumed she was falling out of love. Within minutes, his love turned into resentment, and he accused her of not caring enough.
In reality, Lisa’s need for space had nothing to do with Jake’s worth or their love—but his emotional dysregulation made it hard for him to see that.
So, do people with BPD experience love differently? Yes, because their emotional intensity magnifies every aspect of their relationships. However, with therapy, mindfulness, and self-regulation techniques, they can learn to process emotions more effectively and maintain healthier relationships.
Can a person with BPD feel real empathy?
A common misconception is that people with BPD lack empathy. In reality, research suggests that they may experience heightened emotional empathy—meaning they feel others’ emotions deeply but struggle with perspective-taking (Roepke et al., 2013).
For example, a borderline is capable of love in a way that makes them deeply attuned to their partner’s pain. If their partner is sad or struggling, they will often feel that sadness as if it were their own.
However, because of their own emotional instability, they may also react in ways that seem self-focused or dramatic.
Does this mean people with BPD manipulate their partners? Not necessarily. Manipulation implies intentional harm, but in most cases, their emotional reactions are not calculated—they are impulsive and fear-driven. Understanding this distinction is key to navigating relationships with compassion and clarity.
Supporting a partner with BPD without losing yourself
Loving someone with BPD can be rewarding yet emotionally draining. It is crucial to set boundaries, encourage therapy, and maintain your own well-being. Some strategies include:
- Encouraging professional support – Therapy has been proven effective in helping individuals with BPD manage emotional instability and relational challenges (Linehan, 1993).
- Practicing clear communication – Avoid reacting emotionally during conflicts; instead, use calm and direct statements.
- Maintaining your own emotional health – Engage in self-care practices and ensure that your needs are also met in the relationship.
Many partners ask: Can therapy help a person with BPD love in a healthier way? The answer is yes—with consistent therapy, self-awareness, and effort, people with BPD can develop more stable and fulfilling relationships.
Summary Table
| Section | Key Ideas |
|---|---|
| Understanding love in BPD | People with BPD experience intense love, often alternating between idealization and devaluation due to their emotional instability. |
| Fear of abandonment & love | The intense fear of abandonment makes relationships unstable, leading to clinginess or pushing partners away impulsively. |
| Emotional dysregulation & love | Borderline truly loves but struggles with extreme emotional reactions that can lead to conflicts and impulsive actions in relationships. |
| Can people with BPD feel real empathy? | Contrary to myths, a borderline is capable of love and deep emotional empathy, but struggles with perspective-taking. |
| Supporting a partner with BPD | Encourages therapy (DBT), setting healthy boundaries, and maintaining self-care to ensure a balanced relationship. |
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
- Can someone with BPD truly love their partner, or is it just intense infatuation?
Yes, people with BPD can truly love, but their love is often intense, fluctuating, and influenced by emotional dysregulation. Their experience of love is different, but it is real. - How does fear of abandonment affect the way a person with BPD expresses love?
Fear of abandonment can lead to clinginess, impulsive behaviors, or pushing a partner away. Even small signs of distance can trigger panic and intense emotional reactions. - Do people with BPD experience love differently than others?
Yes, their love tends to be highly emotional and intense, marked by idealization and devaluation. They feel love deeply, but struggle with emotional regulation. - Why do people with BPD go from extreme love to pushing their partner away?
This happens due to splitting, a defense mechanism where they see people as all good or all bad, often in response to perceived rejection or abandonment. - Is it possible to have a stable, long-term relationship with someone who has BPD?
Yes, but it requires boundaries, communication, patience, and professional support. With therapy, a person with BPD can develop healthier relationship patterns. - How does emotional dysregulation impact love and romantic relationships in BPD?
Emotional dysregulation makes small conflicts feel overwhelming, leading to intense arguments, impulsive decisions, or emotional withdrawal. - Can a person with BPD feel real empathy and care for their partner?
Yes, a borderline is capable of love and can have deep emotional empathy, but they may struggle with perspective-taking and managing emotional reactions. - What are the biggest challenges of loving someone with BPD?
The biggest challenges include emotional intensity, mood swings, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, and the idealization/devaluation cycle. - How can a person support a partner with BPD without losing themselves?
By setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, encouraging therapy, and avoiding codependency while maintaining a sense of self. - Do people with BPD cheat or manipulate in relationships more often?
While some may struggle with impulsivity, not all people with BPD cheat or manipulate. Many are loyal and crave deep emotional connection. - What can I do to build trust and security in a relationship with someone who has BPD?
Communicate clearly and calmly, reassure them without enabling unhealthy behaviors, and set boundaries while showing consistency. - Can therapy or treatment help a person with BPD love in a healthier way?
Absolutely! Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is highly effective in helping people with BPD develop emotional regulation and healthier relationship patterns.
Final thoughts
A borderline is capable of love, but their emotional struggles and fear of abandonment can complicate how they express and maintain love. Understanding their condition, setting healthy boundaries, and encouraging professional support are key to fostering a fulfilling relationship.
If you are considering a relationship with someone with BPD, ask yourself: Are you prepared for the emotional intensity that comes with it? Do you have the patience and understanding to help them navigate their emotions? With the right approach, love can thrive—even in the midst of emotional turbulence.
Ultimately, love is not just about intensity—it is about understanding, growth, and commitment. With the right support system, therapy, and self-awareness, people with BPD can experience and express love in a deeply meaningful way.
References
- American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.
- Fonagy, P., & Bateman, A. (2008). The development of borderline personality disorder—A mentalizing model. Journal of Personality Disorders, 22(1), 4-21.
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
- Roepke, S., Vater, A., Preißler, S., Heekeren, H. R., Dziobek, I., & Roepke, S. (2013). Social cognition in borderline personality disorder. Frontiers in Neuroscience, 7, 142.